The Tuesday to End all Tuesdays…

Look up “Bad Day” in the dictionary. Now look up “Horrible Day”. You’ll see my photo next to both. Or at least, in my mind’s eye, you will. It has been a DAY… and it is only Noon.

I was supposed to go to court today over the Discover bill I can’t pay. The one I got a court summons for a while back? Yeah. That one. My anxiety about it has been all over the place. I fretted about it, and worried. Then this morning I woke up at 4:15 am and just got up, because there was simply no sleep to be had.

I deliberated about my clothing choices. I thought you had to dress sort of “dressy” to go to court. (Yes, I am a newbie – never been to court for anything). I don’t own any dressy clothing. I only have tee shirts, leggings, track bottoms, sneakers/trainers, and pyjamas. None of those seemed right. However, I couldn’t show up naked – trust me, no one wants to see THAT! 😜 So I settled upon a pair of grey leggings and a navy blue tee that said “Do Ducks Have Ears?” I put a green knit poncho on over it, hoping no one would notice the tee. I wore my black Converse. Somehow black seemed “dressier” to me than grey running shoes.

I then proceeded to go downstairs and get breakfast ready for my birdies. Next, I promptly cut the tip of the middle finger on my left hand open with a knife, whilst slicing an apple. And because I take an aspirin every day and medication for my Lupus (which also helps to thin blood), I was bleeding everywhere. I quickly went to the sink and washed it thoroughly with antibacterial soap. Wrapping it in a clean paper towel and applying pressure, I rode the stair lift back upstairs to get the first aid stuff out. I put some generic Neosporin on it and wrapped it in bandages and tape. It would have to do. It wasn’t bad enough for stitches – I just sliced it sort of sideways and left a “flap” there. I think it is okay. I hope it is. It is throbbing but it could have been much worse. I went back downstairs and finished making the birds their breakfast. I took some CBD oil and one half a pill of my 5 mg prescription Diazepam. I was pretty much a shaky, panicked mess at that point and I was TRYING to cope the best that I could. I needed to hold it together.

My friend Ford got here early. We left the house at 10:05 am. We arrived at the courthouse at 10:10, only to find out…

I had got the time wrong and my case was being heard at 10:00 am and not 10:30 as I had written down and as I had gotten in my head. I think I must have confused it with one of the million and fifty doctor’s appointments I have had the last couple of weeks. Anyway, so the clerk said the case was already decided, I had lost by default, and the judgement was for the plaintiff.

I went into the autistic meltdown of the century right there in the courthouse. I lost it. I usually do REALLY well with “masking” and holding it together so that I don’t “show my autism” but every once in a very great while… it does happen. I hyperventilate, I moan and I cry, and then I start self-harming… like beating myself in the head (when I was a kid, I used to beat my head on floors or walls until it bled). Most of it, I do not even realise I am doing in the moment – it is an automatic reaction and it’s like my brain just cuts off. MOST of the time I end up going nonverbal for hours. Today, however, I was thankful that Ford was able to bring me out of it and calm me just enough to where that didn’t happen. It was so close though, I could feel it happening. I was taking deep breaths, rocking, and chewing on my stim toy really feverishly to try and calm myself, too. I am sure I made a scene… and I am sure I looked like a real basket case…

Ford wheeled me back out to the car (I don’t even remember leaving… that is how checked-out my brain was) he promptly called the law office to explain the situation. A lady took some notes and said she would pass along the message to the lawyers and for us to contact them later in the week to find out what their response is. I repeatedly beat myself up over all of it. I had made a scene, I had put Ford through all of that, I’d gone through all that anxiety and emotional turmoil getting ready for the event, and then… I ended up screwing it up so badly. I felt useless and helpless. Like a real waste of space and oxygen.

But after an hour of Ford telling me that I need to give myself grace, realise that I am only human, and try to just resign myself to thinking “whatever happens, happens, and I’ll deal with it”, that is exactly what I am trying to do. Mind you, I am blogging this because I needed to get it all out there… get it off my chest and whatnot. I’m writing for my mental health – a big part of the reason I started this blog in the first place. I can’t seem to get any actual mental health help around these parts (I’ve tried), so this is all I have. I will write… and write… and write some more.

I will also openly and freely admit that this is one of those days that I *will* HATE my autism, and I *will* HATE my ADHD, and I *will* HATE my anxiety/panic/mental health issues. I try not to hate myself as a a whole (though I do often fail at that… I am very thankful for Ford who tries to help me see how wrong that is) but I DO hate “all the things”. And YES, people tell me “you can’t hate those things because they are part of who you ARE! They make you, YOU… you wouldn’t be YOU without them!” I call baloney on that, sorry. All of these things affect me in pretty awful ways MOST of the time. So I think I DO get to hate them from time to time. I DO wish I had a magic switch I could flip to turn them off. I won’t make any apologies for saying that. Do I wish I could “cure” my autism? My ADHD? My mental health issues? Heck, for that matter all of my other learning/neuro/emotional/physical disabilities/challenges (Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Sensory Processing Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorder, Dyspraxia, OCD, Depression, Autoimmune Diseases, Spine issues, Pseudotumor Cerebri, Chronic Pain, etc…)? Damn straight! I don’t think wishing that makes me a bad person, and I firmly believe that anyone who tried living their life in my shoes for just a day MIGHT come to the same conclusion. BUT… I am actively going to be working on ONLY hating the “things” and not the “human host” of them. So that’s something…

I *am* trying…

For the rest of today, I have opted to try to focus on the positive things in my life.

In the past two days, two different friends/followers have surprised me with 2 major pieces of equipment to get my YouTube channel going! I got a GoPro camera as well as a little drone! (A big shout out and a heartfelt THANK YOU to those kind folks!!!) I will be able to do hands-free filming from my wheelchair or walker… and… the drone can do aerial stuff, which should make for some nice footage. The drone has a “follow me” feature, where… I guess it will… follow me? Like having my own camera crew? Exciting! Now I just need to learn how to use it all. ❤️ **UPDATE: The drone is really like a children’s beginners-level one. It doesn’t have a follow-me feature as I’d originally thought, and the video it takes is very blurry and pretty much unusable for YouTube – BUT… it’s still a great way to learn how to fly a drone. I can learn on it, and maybe do a fundraiser or something later – aspiring to get a more professional one down the road sometime. I’m still incredibly grateful! **

My brain is now total mush, however, and I’ve lost the ability to “can”…. so I am going to drink the rest of this lovely decaf peppermint mocha that Ford so kindly got for me at Starbucks after the court fiasco (I didn’t deserve a treat after acting like a wild mess (insert inner awareness voice: “Stop it, Janni… you were not in control of your emotions, it’s done now! Move on! Give yourself grace!”), but I am so thankful for it – it tastes really nice!) I am going to spend the rest of today taking a lot of deep breaths and being thankful for supportive friends, and for the few things that ARE going well for me right now in my life.

And nursing a finger that is REALLY throbbing…