Simultaneously Blessed… and Stressed?

Hi everyone – I’m just sort of bobbing along in the beautiful chaos of my life at the moment. If you’d like to catch up on the lovely things that are going on in my world, check out the previous post, where I explain how my amazing chiropractor friend, Josh, has arranged for all sorts of help for things here at my house to help me be more independent and healthy. Speaking of that, I had nearly 20 people show up last weekend at my house to move all of my belongings out of the various rooms that new flooring was going into. Those folks showed up BIG on a Saturday morning and moved things into my garage, living room, and kitchen… and into a middle room upstairs when we ran out of space. The flooring crew showed up on Wednesday of last week and began ripping out all of the old carpet. Then late that afternoon, their boss, Bobby the contractor (we love Bobby… he’s awesome) came over to leave packages of new flooring in the garage so the guys could get started on it the next morning. They spent Thursday and Friday knocking it all out and I now have beautiful, laminate flooring that’s both power wheelchair safe, as well as healthier for my asthma/respiratory system.

I’ve been trying all weekend to put as many things back on my own as I could, but have reached a point where I can’t do much else without help. My health/disability does get in the way, sometimes… Grrr…

Anyway, so I am SUPER excited about that! Also, last week, a landscaper came out and removed two boxelder shrubs that I’ve wanted gone for AGES. They had been installed by the builder back in 2007, and were put in too close to the front walkway. As they matured, they crept further and further over the walk, and it hinders my accessibility when they grow out a lot. Also, they attract the boxelder beetles – which end up taking over the front of my house a couple of times a year. It’s awful! So he pulled those out and we are now also deciding where he is going to put a concrete pad in for me to be able to sit out in my wheelchair and NOT have to hang out on the inclined driveway! I can’t believe he wants to do that for me! Just like I can’t believe ANY of these people are kindly volunteering their goods and services for me. It’s a LOT to wrap my head around, but I will forever be… well… BEYOND appreciative. I am excited for the landscape project as well. I really want to clean out the section in front of the porch to make a little troll/fairy garden and just river rock the whole thing so I no longer have upkeep with weeds and such… but I don’t know when I will ever be able to. I’m just glad it is cleared out, for now.

So anyway… lots happening, and still to happen here at Chez Janni!

Which makes me feel super guilty that alongside the joy, I am also feeling extremely stressed, worried, and down at the moment… and it all has to do with finances. I have STILL not found a reliable way for me to bring in a little income each month. I’ve had some yearly recurring expenses come up here and there for things that are not in my regular budget… and I always come up short each month as it is, because there simply isn’t enough to stretch to meet my basic needs – especially if an electric bill is really high one month, or water is high the next, etc… I am balancing on a paper thin high-wire, and it seems that someone is always holding a lit match precariously close to it… just waiting for it to go up in smoke. I can’t keep going like that. I have GOT to find some way to work on the days that I feel up to it.

Finding a full time, or even part time job with set hours just wouldn’t work for me, as I never know how my health is going to treat me from one day to the next. I also have no way to leave my house that doesn’t involve having to rely on others to get me there. On the other hand, on the days that I feel well enough, I could do a bit of work. Nothing physical (obviously) but definitely computer-based tasks could work. I just have no idea what. I have been trying a plethora of things… I have a whole page with a list of things I have been trying.

I am also trying to get a YouTube channel up and going. I have some recent video recorded and I have been trying to do some editing, but am running into some sound quality issues (outdoors, with wind… not ideal, and I lack the appropriate microphone/wind screens and such)… but I am trying to power through. I hope to have a new, longer video up this weekend if I can ever find the rest of my computer stuff. (I am missing bits and bobs that are scattered all over the house, garage, etc… like I said, things here are chaotic…) But… it takes a while to amass a following on YouTube… at the time of this writing, I have 10. I need a minimum of 1000… and even then, you have to get a certain number of watch hours, etc… before you can monetise it. I’m trying to learn what I can about it… but it is a slow process. Much like many things in my life right now.

The hard reality of life in Jannipants Land, is that I might make anywhere from 80 cents to a dollar or two on my notebook sales on Amazon. I might make 4 or 5 dollars every few months on the tee shirts I sell, etc… I am greatly appreciative of it all, mind you, but it’s such a small amount that it isn’t really addressing the problem. I would need higher volume sales, and for the sales to be continuous to make those business models work.

Additionally, costs are inflating on darn near everything. Have you noticed grocery/household/health products prices over the last several months? In some instances, items have TRIPLED in price – just in the past 6 months! I can’t do a proper grocery shop right now, as I can’t get around in my kitchen well enough to cook while everything is so chaotic – there’s a television in front of my stove. I don’t fancy spilling stuff on top of it. The stove is already hard for me to access as it is – but this makes it really tough… and no, there was no other place for it to go. ANYWAY… I was trying to do a small grocery order over the weekend, just to get a few items to hold me over… and I happened to notice the price of potato chips. Now I don’t buy those, since I can’t have them, but… a medium/large bag of potato chips was nearly NINE DOLLARS! What in the WORLD? This is only one example, but other, non-food items, like cleaning stuff, personal hygiene, over the counter meds, etc… have all skyrocketed. But you know what hasn’t? My disability stipend. It went up about $25 this year. That’s it. Not nearly enough to offset these crazy living prices. And my food stamp stipend actually went DOWN! I get $25 a week for food items. That’s it. Hard to make that work when one is on a special nutrition protocol for their illness. If not for help from friends on the grocery front, I would not be able to stick to this protocol. And I would be bedbound, again. I am definitely floundering, though – and enduring levels of stress and worry that I don’t think a lot of folks will ever relate to – and to be completely honest, I sincerely hope they never will. I would not wish this situation on anyone. Ever.

I just can’t keep going like this, though… I need to find a solution. I NEED to be able to take care of myself. I need to not have to keep going online and begging for help with money every month. I need to not have to plead for folks to check out my wishlists to see if they can help me with household things and other needs. I need to be able to do things on my own, without having to cry, and grovel, and beg for people to check out my links and send me money, goods, etc… just to be able to make it in this world.

The big question is HOW?

And… I am having quite the guilt complex over all of this… and over all of the worry, stress, and lamenting over money worries…. all whilst simultaneously being gifted so many kind, charitable, and wonderful things to help me here in the house and with my health. How can I possibly feel “right” about STILL begging for money help and such when I just had new floors gifted to me, when I have someone trying to help me with landscaping, when I have someone who just pumped my septic tank for me, when I have someone who is going to help me clean and organise my home to make it more accessible for me, when I have someone who is coming to counsel me for my mental health, when I have someone who is coming to sort the black mould on the back of the house and the siding, when I have someone who is providing me with chiropractic care…. etc… ?? HOW? I mean, it is definitely possible to experience elation and joy… at the same time as being super stressed, worried, and anxious – I know it’s possible, because I am experiencing it. My sticking point is the guilt that I feel at being so worried about finances when all of these people are doing such amazing and beautiful things for me. It makes me worry that I will seem ungrateful, and that could not be farther from the truth. I guess I KNOW that it’s “okay” to have these feelings battling it out in my head… but I also know that it’s just going to be hard for me to not feel horrible that I still have to ask for help.

I will, however, never stop trying to find SOME WAY for me to earn some monthly income to help me stay afloat. I long for the day when I can take down the donations page on this website. I yearn for there to come a day when a bill comes in the mail and I don’t shed tears and wonder how I will pay it. I want to be able to buy toilet paper for myself without making it a wishlist item.

Someday… I hope…

I also hope to get back to at LEAST doing a blog post on a week;y basis. Same with YouTube. As the house gets put back together and I find things I need to find… that is definitely happening! Meanwhile, I will do what I can, when I can, and I hope you all “tune in”. Love to all… ❤️