It’s A Bad Day…
I am really struggling to get my panic under control. My doctor has prescribed medication but it carries a serious drug interaction risk with my lupus medication. As I am hearing impaired, I use their portal to contact them, but… no one has responded back to me yet about it and I messaged them the day before yesterday. So… I am just not taking the meds yet until that can be sorted. It’s too scary.
Meanwhile, I am alternating between Benadryl and Valium (not together, of course!) Still not helping much. And I am having heart palpitations which makes me even MORE anxious. They did a bunch of tests on my heart in a recent hospital stay and said “you’re fine”… they didn’t even see the palpitations on the monitor… even though I felt them very prominently. They make me want to cough, and they make me feel ill.
It doesn’t help that today I also have a migraine.
I’ve also had a problem for the past several months with tremors. Mostly my right hand. And it is getting worse. It’s getting scary to use a sharp knife to chop up my bird’s fresh fruit/veggies in the morning. I have a little chopper but don’t tend to use it for their stuff as there is such a low volume of it. I use it more for my own food. For now… I am just trying to be very careful.
Being alone, all day, every day, for years… is really taking its toll. It isn’t doing my panic/anxiety/depression any favours either. It wouldn’t be so bad if I lived in a big city where I could see others passing by all the time, and could maybe use public transport to get out of the house. But alas… I am in the middle of nowhere… with nothing…
Also, I need to be working on a huge assignment for my TEFL course, but my mental health demons have not allowed that to happen in about a week and still are not. Now my head is throbbing, so I think it will just be a day of not really doing anything at all, and mostly staying off of devices. I can’t see very well right now anyway. I need new glasses, and a dear friend who lives in another state has very kindly offered to pay for them for me, but I have to wait for a time when my local friend here can take me somewhere to find out how much they will be and I guess order them or have them made or whatever. Again… it sucks not being able to just “go” places whenever I need to. I hate having to burden others with my crap. *sigh*
I might take some CBD oil later when the Benadryl wears off, but… I am trying to ration the hell out of that stuff, because it is super expensive and not covered by insurance. A 1 ounce bottle of it costs about $50! Good grief!
Anyway… at least I was able to make my way downstairs this morning, albeit about 3 hours later than usual. I got the birds fed and set up with their Sesame Street on the telly. I ate a few bites of yoghurt with some berries in it – even though I wasn’t hungry – I forced myself to eat. I skipped the morning cuppa, and have a bottle of water I am sipping instead. Now I am in my office and… am just sort of staring at this screen, in pain and numb.
Okay, this is a bummer of a post, but it is what it is. I set this thing up as a place for me to sort of “journal” and that’s what I am doing. Some days are just like this…