Sheriff Visits and Panic Attacks

So…

I had a visit from my local county sheriff tonight…

Serving me papers…

And now I am struggling to get my panic under control, so I am writing in an attempt to calm myself down. Okay… Deep breaths… I have got to get my brain under control. And my breathing. And my racing heartbeats…

I have a Discover card. I used this Discover card a LOT over the past several years to pay for medical stuff, supplies, etc… that were not covered by insurance. Some stuff for Dad, some for me. I was making the payments on it every month… until Dad died.

When Dad died, I could no longer afford to make the payments because I was kind of busy just trying to keep the electricity turned on. In other words… without Dad’s income contribution, and with me just being on disability… I had to pick and choose what bills got paid. Obviously, the house note gets paid. Then the utilities, phone, security camera monitoring, and JUST the necessities. Once that’s done, I have about 76 cents left over. So, no… I couldn’t pay the Discover bill.

Well, apparently they are quite miffed. Don’t get me wrong – I understand why. To them, I am a criminal deadbeat.

I have to say, every time I have ever dealt with our local county sheriffs (mostly in medical crises, or just little neighbourhood safety concerns here and there) they have been lovely. Very kind, patient, and understanding. The one who came tonight was indeed, just that. She served me papers and stayed to talk with me about it when she saw me struggling to breathe and having a massive panic attack. She listened to me ramble an abridged version of my “story” as to what was going on, and she didn’t judge me or make me feel inferior. When I explained my situation, she asked me if I had food, if I felt safe, and if I was okay. I told her that I was okay (for now, anyway). She listened to my questions and tried to explain what I needed to do. I have like 30 business days in which I have to somehow get over to the courthouse and… I don’t know what happens from there. They won’t put me in jail – she did tell me that. That’s a relief, anyway.

It seems I have to go to court to try and explain why I cannot pay, and then see what happens. Now I worry that they will attempt to take my house. I simply do not know. The house is the only thing I have in this world.

And now the total bill is WAY more than it was initially. It’s about $9k now. It had been about $5k. At one point, I took out a loan with Lending Tree to pay it off, (and was making payments on that, too) but I ended up having to use the card again… it was a vicious cycle…. if it wasn’t one thing, it was something else.

I can’t pay those Lending Tree bills now either. I wonder if they will come after me next?

I can’t even file for bankruptcy because I can’t afford a lawyer to do so. Plus, I have read that in Georgia (where I live) if you have more than 25k equity in your home, they can take it, or something like that. Lovely, eh? I would have no place to go. I do have 15 years of equity in it, but by the time I paid off what I owed on it, paid off the lien from refinancing it several years ago (which got the payments down lower than ANYTHING I could ever find around here), and paid off Discover and Lending Tree… I would not have enough left to buy anything. I cannot get another mortgage because who would give a mortgage to someone on disability with horrible credit? No one. If I were to sell this house, or if these creditors were to take it from me (again, I don’t know if that’s a thing, but I am terrified that it might be), I would be homeless.

Homeless.

How the HELL did I get here?

I have been fighting SO DAMNED HARD over this past year to survive, and now it might be all for nothing.

So yes… my panic is completely unhinged tonight… I do not foresee sleep in my immediate future.

I am scared. I am distraught. And I am very, VERY low…