Weird Mental Space… Surrounded by Beauty
So, I am still in a massive panic over my financial crisis… I’m doing my best to hold it together, but the panic and depression demons keep kicking my arse and rendering me incapable of doing anything.
Also, as of today, I also have exactly ONE MONTH to try and complete my TEFL certification course. I am only halfway through and am now on a HUGE assignment for it that my mental health has prevented me from being able to focus enough to complete. I keep trying to work on it, but my brain just keeps shutting down and going to dark places. (Wonder why…?) If I don’t complete the course within a month (I really don’t think I can – there are not enough hours in the day) then I forfeit all I’ve done. All the work I have done til now… gone. Either that or pay for yet another extension (I’ve already had one paid for by a very dear friend, but with all that has been happening, I haven’t met the obligation. I feel so horrendous about it, too… like a complete failure… adding more fuel for my mental health struggle…) Anyway, I haven’t the money to extend it again, so I suppose I am just up the creek… 😪
It is all getting on top of me pretty badly this morning. I can’t function. I am in shut down mode yet again. In the throes of a MASSIVE panic attack, I retreated outside to my shade tree by the driveway. My port in the storm, so to speak. Outdoors. My safe space. Only this time, it wasn’t working. I am also in a flare once more, with a swollen, red, itching eye and widespread pain. I sat out here in tears… wondering why I keep trying… I keep getting thwarted at every turn, it seems… why bother?
Then suddenly I saw a white blur off to the side of me. It was almost as if everything happened in slow motion from that point. I squinted hard, as my vision is quite poor at the moment (I am getting new glasses soon, thanks to the help of another very dear friend)… but I quickly realised what it was. It was a big, beautiful BARN OWL… and it glided past me ever so gracefully, not making a sound at all (or if it did, I couldn’t hear it with my wonky hearing – which is entirely possible). It was maybe 30 or 40 feet away from me! The creature was so majestic and free. I LOVE owls, so seeing it this close and right in my front yard was truly a gift. I wondered if it was perhaps some sort of a sign. Who knows? I just enjoyed the very brief interruption from my own inner turmoil.
That peace did not last, of course, as the old Chromebook that I had brought outside with me in the hopes of working on my TEFL stuff (if I were able to calm my inner demons enough) suddenly would not turn on. I had JUST had it on in the house, and it worked fine. It still had plenty of battery left, too. I tried everything to get it to come back on… to no avail. I shut the lid and began to cry again, uttering out loud, “What ELSE are you going to throw at me, life?”
THEN… I kid you not… a GIANT deer with massive and beautiful antlers rapidly THUNDERED past me! Since I don’t hear well, I had not heard it approach, but apparently, it was just off to my right and behind me a few feet. Maybe I spooked it when I spoke aloud and started crying? I’m not sure. But it took off running through my yard in the opposite direction of where the owl had come from about 10 minutes prior.
The experiences were both beautiful. Neither was a cure for my situation, of course, but… I certainly appreciated the privilege of having these creatures so close to me, even if just for a scant few seconds.
I am now going to take the Chromebook back inside and put it on the charger (in a sort of Hail Mary move) to see if maybe I was wrong about the charge – I know it said it had 55% battery left though, so I think I am just pulling at straws. Thankfully, it is just a computer that I use when I go outside… I have my desktop and a fairly decent laptop, so I’m good there. I just don’t like to bring my actual laptop outdoors because it’s big and heavy – and I’m afraid I would drop it. *sigh* I know, I know… both first world problems AND the struggles of a disabled wheelchair user who drops stuff a lot…
I will likely end up back outside, though. I am in a lot of pain, both physical and mental… I don’t envision myself being productive at all today. 😔