Swings and Roundabouts…

So the last few days have been pretty okay, in the grand scheme of things, health wise. The flare I was in seems to be a bit more controlled. I’ve taken all of my antibiotics so I am now able to take my CBD oil if the pain kicks off. I enjoyed a couple of days with a tiny bit more energy, so that was good. I’ve still been struggling with anxiety/panic/depression demons, but I guess it’s just part of my norm now. *shrugs*

The problem is, when I DO get these brief periods of time when my pain is largely controlled and I have a little more energy, I have a tendency to want to “do all the things” – which is what I absolutely should NOT try to do. But… I am stubborn as well as being one of those people with a constant “to do” list going. Probably not a good combination for someone with the medical issues that I have, but here we are…

I did manage to get in a good little physical therapy workout. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary – just the same sort of stuff I do in my therapy sessions. I put in about ten minutes on the recumbent elliptical, and did some other little exercises as well. I think I put in about thirty-five minutes on it all. That’s even less time than my actual hour-long sessions with my physical therapists… so nothing too over the top. It was when I decided to attack some household chores that I got into trouble…

I have no real sort of help for the “household” kind of stuff around here. There will always be the normal stuff like dishes, and laundry that need to be done. I try to stay on top of both unless I am in a flare – in which case, the laundry might pile up. (I do force myself to do dishes because I don’t want to attract insects, etc…) But there are other routine things that need to be done. Dusting. Cleaning floors. Taking out the rubbish. The things that most of us pretty much just DO in order to maintain a somewhat tidy home. I have OCD as well, so it drives me absolutely bonkers when things like this need to be done and I cannot do them myself.

I can’t get any help from the State or from the Federal Government. I’ve looked to see if there was any sort of program out there to help me. There’s nothing. There IS some sort of weird Medicaid Waiver thing where basically, I would have to sign my HOUSE over to the government in exchange for them getting someone in here maybe once a week to help with a few, limited things – and I would STILL have to pay about $300 a month for the privilege. 😲😬 Yeah, it made absolutely no sense to me either, but that’s our government at work, I suppose. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the disabled get… forgotten. It is what it is. I gave up on any sort of hope for help in that regard years ago.

So what do I do? Well, mostly, I don’t.

Until it gets so bad I start crying or panicking every time I look at it. Remember the OCD? And the anxiety/panic disorder?

That’s where I was yesterday with my little study/office (formerly my late father’s bedroom). The floor was pretty nasty. Don’t even get me started on the weird carpet stain in the middle of the room that I have cleaned MULTIPLE times and… while it does stay gone temporarily, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK.😬 I have tried everything – even some ideas I found on the internet – but nothing eradicates it. (I think my Dad may have spilled some tea there once, but I fear now it’s just mould and it won’t go away).

So the stain is one thing… but…the carpet in my house is over 15 years old and is disintegrating badly. The padding underneath it died out years ago. Now the carpet is all sort of rippled in places where it is all stretched out and no longer holds its shape. And it continues to fuzz up in clumps. Every time I roll across the floor in my wheelchair, you can see a “plume” of dust in my wake. There’s a fairly thick layer of dust all over everything in my house – especially in the rooms with carpet. I also have asthma, which I have told is exacerbated by all of the dust (which is my #1 allergen trigger, with mould coming up a close second.) My pulmonologist has told me that I REALLY need to ditch the carpet – for my health. I would dearly love to be able to rip it all out and put down some sort of inexpensive laminate or something in those rooms, but alas… as someone with barely enough money to keep the lights on – that can’t happen. I tried to explain that to my doctor, and he nodded and basically said “yes, but…” (I really don’t think doctors, who make quite a nice living, really “get” how “people like me” live – and to be honest, I wouldn’t wish it on them.)

So… here I sit, in my little house with the crumbling bits of carpet – and clumps of the fibres strewn around in abundance. Yesterday, I’d finally had my fill of it. I got out my little stick vacuum. It’s a Shark brand, and it’s very lightweight. We got it when our old, more heavyweight upright Shark finally died (it lasted FOREVER though – Shark is one pretty awesome brand, folks!) We replaced it with the lighter weight one because it would be easier for Dad’s hospice CNAs who would sometimes run the vac over the downstairs floors for us. I wanted to make it as easy as possible on them, and was grateful for their help. I also thought it might be easy for me to use from my wheelchair. It is easier than the old one, but still… not ideal.

Yesterday, I decided I would only do the one room – the study… and if I had enough steam left afterward, I would do the adjacent bathroom floor as well (it’s tile, but loads of the carpet fibres as well as lots of dust end up in there.) Spoiler alert: I did NOT have enough steam afterward. As a matter of fact, once I was done with the study, I was pretty much done. Full stop. I put away the vac in a closet, and I reclined my wheelchair way back. I tried to get some relief for my back, but it was just screaming. After about an hour of rest with no relief in sight, I knew I would need to just take some CBD oil, then go upstairs and lie down on the bed with some heating pads going. My back, as well as my neck and shoulders were in agony. So I took the CBD, then proceeded to make sure my birdies were all set for the evening, and I closed everything up downstairs and headed upstairs to my bedroom. It was only 4:30 pm. 😞

I spent the evening pretty much not being able to do a thing. I only got about three hours of sleep. I got up this morning and am still sore. So… today will be a rather chill day, I think. I’m not sure that I will be able to get in a workout, but if I can manage to deal with the pain, I may try to at least do a little time on the recumbent. I try to do it daily. I feel so lucky to have it (my very dear friend, Ford, surprised me with a used one that I’d seen on Facebook Marketplace in excellent condition!) There are certainly days when I am not able to use it, but on the days when I can at all manage it, I do try.

I just would like to get to a point where I can do things for MYSELF and not have to be such a burden on others, or have to live in a house with manky floors. I don’t think it’s too much to want in this life, but… I don’t know. Perhaps it is. I won’t stop doing everything in my power to try and help myself to get stronger though. Some days that may look like me crushing it on a recumbent. Other days it may resemble someone whose arse gets handed to them on a platter by a measly little stick vac.

Swings and roundabouts, innit?