Replenishment Mode is What Keeps Me Going

I had promised to give you a “part two” of the “modes” that I experience on the regular as a person with chronic health/pain, and mental health issues. I will say that it’s been hard to make myself sit and write this, mostly because my exhaustion modes have been running at full peak throttle. This most recent election in the US has had me spiraling. Without going too far into politics, I will just say that I am extremely worried about my future here, as a disabled person who relies solely on their disability stipend for housing and utilities… and on Medicare for health insurance. Without these two things, I would be homeless and likely not survive for very long. That is just my reality. This is how important these things are to someone like me. So, naturally, I am quite concerned – and the stress has some pretty far-reaching knock-on effects to my mental health. So that’s not ideal… but, I digress…

To distract me and make this post a bit more positive, let’s move into the other “major” mode that I often switch into—the “Replenishment Mode”.

What is the Replenishment Mode? This is a very special mode, and unfortunately, I don’t get to experience it quite as much as the Exhaustion Mode. The cool thing about the Replenishment Mode is that its effects are quite powerful and long-lasting, so it can give me much-needed energy, hope, and fulfillment, thus helping to offset the effects of the Exhaustion Mode. So what types of things cause Replenishment Mode to kick in? There are quite a few sub-modes involved within the Replenishment Mode… so let’s go…

Mode Name: Lovely Things

Well, as you would imagine, this encompasses all of those “lovely things” in life: A nice visit from someone (especially since I never get visits from anyone – so that makes the ones I do get that much more special), a message from a friend, cards in the mail (again, this happens SO rarely, so it is awesome when it happens). A sweet gesture from a neighbour. A kind smile and/or interaction with people when I go out for medical appointments. Pretty flowers (right now, my azalea shrub is covered in them!) My favourite flowers are orange tulips and yellow daffodils… someday I hope to have some here to enjoy.

Mode Name: Surprise Generosity

Also, those selfless/generous acts of kindness offered to me that I wasn’t expecting (I mean, I NEVER expected those, but when they happened, I was over the moon). Things like when community volunteers (arranged through my chiropractor friend, Josh) did some much-needed things around my house such as donating materials and services for new (safer) flooring, pumping my septic tank, laying a concrete pad for me alongside my front walkway, cleaning out my dryer vent outdoors, etc…

Mode Name: Pastimes

Regular and beloved pastimes also can be cathartic – like reading a really good book, listening to my favourite music, making crafts, spending time outdoors (even if I am restrained to my driveway – it’s still outside the house in the fresh air), watching my comfort films, TV shows, or YouTube channels, spending time with my birds and my kitty cat… you get the picture, right? So all of the things you would expect to lift your spirits would fall into this category.

Mode Name: Friends and Family

Unfortunately, I don’t have any family who are regularly involved in my life. The few family members I have left live far away, anyway, so my close friends are my chosen family. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my family members, it just means that for whatever reason, they aren’t around so I never see them. It is what it is. Life happens. However, I am ever so thankful for my friends. They are truly amazing.

My friend Ford, who is here, local, has been incredible. He has done so much for me and is the one who is “in the trenches” with me regularly.

I have other very dear friends, who, although they are far away, have helped immensely. My dear friend Elizabeth has helped me in countless ways (that list is SUPER long, honestly…) for which I am forever indebted and appreciative. She has saved my bacon in SO many ways!

I am not going to name everyone here, as some of them may or may not want to be mentioned on a public forum, and since I don’t know which ones would be okay with it and which wouldn’t… I will just say that I do have some VERY special people who have helped me in some pretty amazing ways. They know who they are. Most of them I speak to regularly…

As for my UK/Europe friends, our little Whatsapp group that was started when we were still in London at university together is still going and we are still supporting one another and making each other laugh, even though we are all now separated by far too many miles for my taste… (Alan, Sam, Viktor, Tilo… I love you guys!) Simply talking with them always recharges my batteries, even if it’s just a tiny interaction here and there.

I have other very awesome friends who have helped with messages of encouragement, link shares, donations, and wishlist items who never cease to amaze me and leave me humbled. Without all of this help, I would never have made it this long. I would have given up ages ago. I’ve come close more times than I care to admit, but thinking of these people and how much they have helped me has (quite literally) kept me going. Their loving acts towards me have refueled me SO MANY TIMES – and I seriously doubt that they will ever realise just HOW important their kindness towards me was at the time.

Fun fact: I save each and every one of the little gift tags that come in the boxes with the wishlist items that people have sent me. I keep them in a large envelope and hope to someday be able to purchase a proper scrapbook to put them in, to save forever. Whenever I am feeling low, I pull them out and rifle through them – reminding myself how many people out there seem to CARE about my well-being. On one particular VERY dark night, those little slips saved my life. I nearly called it quits that night. Instead, I found myself crumpled on the floor in tears, surrounded by those tiny paper reminders that SO MANY people cared about me – some of them even total strangers. I found myself feeling far too guilty and ashamed to end it all that night.

Okay… so those are all things that you would naturally assume would bring me positivity and light, right? But there are also the things that you don’t immediately think about, but they work to replenish as well…

Mode Name: Medical Unicorns

Getting good news from a medical appointment or procedure (again, this one is pretty rare for me but it does happen from time to time, and it gives me a boost!) Also, a doctor who takes the time to listen to me and who seems genuinely interested in trying to help me. Once again, this one is rare, but I do stumble upon them from time to time – for me, it’s akin to happening upon a unicorn… lol… because when it happens, it is magical. I have a couple of doctors who recently have struck me as being these types of doctors – sadly they are two hours away from me (each way, so four hours round trip). The point is, though, that they exist. It gives me hope. My chiropractor falls into this category as well, as he has been a strong supporter of mine, and tries to do everything he and his team can do for me, from a chiropractic standpoint. In my case, that is hugely important, as I have a lot of discs that like to misbehave (for lack of a better way of putting it).

Mode Name: Operation Janni Independence

Also, finding ways that I can BE INDEPENDENT in my daily life… those moments are MASSIVE for me! Days where I can even do the “little mundane things” like – my laundry… cooking healthy meals for myself… cleaning and tidying… etc… heck, some days even just being able to shower and get myself dressed is an accomplishment. All of these things add up… and they help to fill that empty tank, so to speak. I am currently trying to find ways that I can do some light gardening in front of my front porch if I can make it accessible for me to do so. I think on days that I am feeling strong enough, it would be such an incredible feeling of accomplishment for me to be able to tend to a few flowers/plants in raised containers outside. I could just sit some accessible planters out there for me to roll up to via the walkway and tend to them if I had a way to get those things (I don’t). But yeah… that would give me an ENORMOUS boost! It would also make my house look like someone lives here, as opposed to that “abandoned house” look that it has been sporting for the past several years. But… I can’t do anything about any of that right now… so it’s yet another thing that will be sitting in Exhaustion Mode (every time I look at the front of my house… I go there…) but I hope that someday I can turn that whole section of my house into a Replenishment Zone. Until then, I have to rely on the little things that I can do for myself and just try to be grateful that I am able…

When Exhaustion and Replenishment Modes Meet in the Middle…

Some things in my life operate simultaneously in BOTH modes, can you believe it? It happens when something is really upsetting or stressful, BUT aspects of it also end up being beautiful or enriching… or leaving a positive impact despite the initial darkness. A fine example of that is something that happened this past week…

I went to take a little bag of trash out to the bin and came across a beautiful male Northern Cardinal birdie (you can easily tell the males from the females by their vivid red colouring) sitting on the pavement. He was listless, and unfazed by my movements which were pretty close to him. As I got closer, I realised that he looked pretty stunned. I quickly concluded that the little guy was in shock. I guessed that he had likely run into a window or something, and my heart sank. Typically when that happens to a bird, the head trauma ends their life. Even if the bird seems to “shake it off” and fly away, they will usually succumb to their injuries later. And being a bird mom myself (I have 2 parrots and 2 finches), I know just how fragile these babies are… and how good their acting is! An injured or sick bird will oftentimes act absolutely normal for as long as possible to avoid becoming prey to another animal. So with my friend Ford’s help, we got this little one scooped up and I put him into a “hospital cage” (a very small travel cage that I have on hand for emergencies). I placed him just inside my kitchen door (from the garage) and decided I would leave him in a nice, quiet, safe place. If he were to rally (I knew the odds were not good) I would release him the next morning. It was already evening (around 6 pm) so it would be time for him to be sleeping soon anyway. I sat with him for a long while, talking quietly to him and telling him how beautiful he was and what a gift his presence was to me. I decided he looked like a “Jake” so I started calling him “Jakey” and just continued to gently whisper affirmations to him for a while before dimming the lights and telling him he was very loved. I set up a spare webcam on him (one that I had been using elsewhere – I just pulled it in to use on Jakey for the night) so that I could closely monitor him off and on through the night without going into the room and disturbing him. Unfortunately, after only having him in my life for a mere five hours, Jakey passed away.

The next day, I gently wrapped his beautiful little body in some soft paper towels and slipped him into a plastic bag (I know… bad for the environment, but it was all I had and I had no way to procure anything else). I wrote his name and date of death on the bag in a Sharpie and drew a heart. I also wrote that he was a beautiful gift to the world. A kind stranger who I met on a local community Facebook “Buy Nothing” group, and who had come to prune a few low-lying branches for me over the driveway offered to bury him for me. We buried him underneath the tree next to the house where LOTS of cardinals love to hang out. It seemed quite fitting. I have a little memorial “stone” in place for him, and am putting up a garden flag there with a cardinal on it in memory of little Jakey. So while I was grieving this precious little soul, and it was tearing my heart in two, (I get super emotional about animals, but especially birdies)… I was also putting measures in place to memorialise him. It may sound daft – most would say “It’s just a wild bird” or “That’s just nature… it happens” and yes… sure… okay… but I made a solemn vow to Jakey before he died (because I was fairly sure he was going to…) I told him that his life was going to make a difference. I am keeping my word on that. I am dedicating the corner of my front porch, where I have a little bird feeder, and the birds (especially the cardinals) love to come and have a meal and use the little bird bath that I have set up there, to Jakey. I am using my craft supplies to make a wooden plaque which I will paint with the words “Jakey’s Corner” and paint a little red cardinal on it. I will weather-treat it/seal it and affix it to the wood railings of the porch, in memory of little Jakey. Every time we go to feed the birds out there or to put fresh water in the bird bath, we will see it and think of him. His life DID make a difference. It WAS important. This is what any human would want, right? Why wouldn’t a bird? Sure, it may sound bonkers – but it was important to me because that’s what I want for myself as well. I want to know that my life made a difference in the world. So far, it hasn’t. I am trying hard to find a way to change that.

So you see, this was both heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. So what happens when both modes fire simultaneously, you might ask? Well… pretty much nothing, I think. They balance one another out. I mean, I am HORRIBLE with numbers, but it’s a bit like debits and credits in a checkbook. The Exhaustion Mode things work as debits… draining the “account” of its resources. The Replenishment Mode things do just the opposite… they deposit energy into that same account. Maybe this only makes sense to me, but it’s how I have to look at the big picture. MY big picture. That’s how I can sort of balance things in my life. I may never truly make sense of them all, but I can do my best to find a sense of equilibrium there, if at all possible.

My focus, in the coming days, weeks, months, etc… is to try and come up with a system of checks and balances for these modes. I need to make sure I have enough Replenishment to balance out the Exhaustion. That has not been happening in my life for many years now. It has had a detrimental effect on my mental health, and the stress affects my physical health as well. There are GOING to be bad things… there are going to be struggles, painful times, etc… but I need to find a way (even if it kills me… which would be counterintuitive…) to try and make sure I have enough positive things in my life to balance out the negative. It shouldn’t be too much to ask.

Right now, though, a lot in my life is sort of up in the air. There’s a lot dependent on the political climate and what is happening there – much of which stands to have a major effect on my life and well-being. I am trying to map out some ideas in my head, but the exhaustion from it gets to me, so I have to take a lot of breaks.

But hopefully, this two-part series of articles sort of explains how I operate in “modes” and how they affect me overall. I am guessing that many of you out there who suffer from chronic illness and/or mental health issues deal with much the same. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, and if you ever want to talk, my inbox is always open – hit my contact page and shoot me a message. We have to support one another, even if we feel like we are all alone in the world… we aren’t – not really. There are a lot of us out here, suffering in similar ways, who can relate to one another and, if nothing else, lend a kind ear or eye and offer words of encouragement. Sometimes… that’s all a person needs. You just never know…